Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Software Development ⛵️

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.