Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Möther may I have a snäck

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I’m not lazy

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.