Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

I triple waxed for this?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”