Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

ㅤ

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.