Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.