Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
