Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
