Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Pot warmers of the day.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
