Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Shower sex be like:

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Brother?

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad