Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Sorted