Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Only Americans understand

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher