Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Imma just leave this here…………
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.