Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Spa day..😅

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

How do you milk an almond?

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Noted.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.