Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Leaving the Barbers like

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job