ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman