Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

my fav colour is also hitler

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.