ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
This was a bad idea all around
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Chicago sounds lovely.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.