Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering