Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners