me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Somedays I just love AI so much
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity