Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

¯_(ツ)_/¯

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water