Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Unimpressed

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

lol

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.