Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon