Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first