“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*