Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Employees must applaud the planets.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
And bowling should be called pinball
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.