ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*