ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sheep
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
stand with me against insufficient seating
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out