ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”