Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)