ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…