me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You Might Also Like
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
This is my cat’s medicine.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
mom had nothing to worry about
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect