Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon