me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Best seat on the street 😍
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?