Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude