Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.