Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Lmao the reply

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this