Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.