Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

I’m sure it’s fine.

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.