Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Love this one 😂🧟

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?