Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family