me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Nigella has gone too far this time.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.