me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.