Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*