Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot