Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach