Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family