Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Not all heroes wear capes….

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

never compromise your values

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

When I play the kazoo, I play to win