Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.