Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
You Might Also Like
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Let’s Go
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Love it! 👍😂
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Bloody internet 😳
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very