Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Incredible customer service.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
