Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Any refunds available?…
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.