Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

always be there

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

work smarter, not harder

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.