Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.