Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔