Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me trying to look natural in photos
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry