Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Don’t we all.

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

🥴😂

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.