Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.