Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
How dude HOW?!
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice