Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”