Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.