Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

The sacred texts.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone