Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.