Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.