Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME