Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.