Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

ㅤ

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh