Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

💁🏻‍♂️

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.