Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not messing around

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

A leaf blower, but for people.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.