me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.