Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

this is 10/10 content no notes

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Mhm.

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.