Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.