me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
When you’re here for the treats.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Bros before Ohioes
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
oh you wanna fight?!
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*