me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM