me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?